Hanukkah from Hell
by mimim1010
Summary: Bringing your girlfriend to meet your family is stressful enough, but when your family is full of geniuses all bets are off. Throw in a small fire, a pissed off sister, a new baby, a missing father, and a possible proposal and this will be one holiday Dan Eppes will never forget.
1. Prologue

Dan sighed as he watched his girlfriend, the love of his life (probably); drunkenly stumble around the party flirting with the few boys who were still upright. Only one thing made her want to get this drunk, her parents.

"Daaaaanny," she whined throwing her arms around his neck, falling into his lap, "Don't make me go." She pouted, pooching her lips out, "Pwease?" she begged in her baby voice before bursting into giggles.

Dan rolled his eyes and smirked at her; poor thing didn't understand what parental pressure really was.

"Mia, I've told you a hundred times; your parents are not that bad. You've never met my family, but trust me they are ten times worse than anything your parents can dish out."

"I'd rather come with you and meet them." She stated empathetically.

"You don't mean that." Dan murmured, kissing her forehead gently.

"Yes I do!" She nearly yelled, pleading with her eyes. "You've met my parents. Why can't I meet yours?"

"You really mean it?" he questioned incredulously. "I mean, if you're really serious, I'm leaving at 8 AM on Sunday."

"I'll call my parents in the morning." She said softly, bringing her mouth to his and kissing him softly, moving her hands under his shirt as the kiss heated up. Dan groaned internally before gently pulling her hands off him. "You're drunk." He whispered softly, their faces inches apart.

Mia hung her head for a moment but conceded, kissing him softly and sweetly before standing up. And promptly falling back into his lap. "Let's sleep here." She giggled, laying back on him. Dan merely chuckled as he reclined on the couch, positioning his arms around Mia, and promptly falling asleep.


	2. Charlotte & Amita

Sunday Morning arrived complete with a flurry of packing, flying suitcases, and a 7:55 coffee run. By 8:15 the pair was on the road, a ten-hour drive in front of them. The closer they came to LA the tenser and quieter Dan became, while Mia became louder and more talkative. After a traffic jam somewhere in Colorado set them back two hours, they finally arrived at Dan's childhood home a little after 8:00.

"We'll grab the stuff later," Dan grabbed Mia's hand and dragged her through the garage, her eyes wide with wonder. The house was unlike anything she'd ever dreamed. When Dan told her his parents had some money, he wasn't kidding. The house looked like a Victorian mansion with endless rooms, and the inside didn't disappoint. As Mia was dragged through two or three doors, they eventually stopped in what could only be called the parlor, a magnificent room, burnished wood floors, a curving staircase descending majestically, and a magnificent crystal chandelier shining on the ceiling.

"Mom! Dad!" Dan yelled up the stairs, and after a moment turned to Mia, "They're here somewhere." He sighed exasperatedly, "C'mon." He pulled her up the stairs where a set of seemingly endless doors awaited them. "Mom!" he called knocking on a door. There was no answer, but a door opened a slight ways down the hall.

"What _is_ all the screaming about?" The woman was extraordinarily beautiful with dark skin, smooth, straight onyx colored hair, and eyes like melting chocolate, however her beauty was undermined by the look of haughtiness and annoyance gracing her features.

"Daniel." She said after a moment, not making a move to get closer to him.

"Hello Charlotte." Dan responded, also not moving any closer to his sister.

"You're late." She responded, her voice clipped, as if she couldn't wait to get back to whatever it was she was doing in her room.

"Traffic jam." He responded his voice nearly as tense as hers, still keeping the frozen smile on his face. "This is my girlfriend, Mia." He blurted out, as Charlotte seemed about to return to her room. She froze, but when she turned slowly the pretense of friendliness was gone from her face. Suddenly her razor sharp features didn't look beautiful, but brought all the sharp edges in her face to light, creating a skeletal face. Her flared nose and her eyes expressed her fury, and for a moment Mia could imagine her in a horror movie, knife positioned between her fingers.

"That's rich." Charlotte almost laughed, "You. With a _girlfriend_? Are you trying to torture me? You can't give me one year? One year without rubbing it in my face!" Dan tried to interrupt, but Charlotte continued her tirade. "You're an asshole Daniel. Mom's in the kitchen!" she flew back into room and slammed the door with a resounding thud.

Mia and Dan stared at the closed door was a moment before Dan slowly turned and made his way back down the staircase. "There's and explanation for that." He said after a few moments still not looking at Mia. "I'll explain later." He muttered under his breath. He pulled her silently through several more doors.

As they entered the last door the woman standing at the counter turned quickly, startled by the sudden noise. "Daniel!" she exclaimed, moving forward quickly and engulfing him in a hug. "Hi Mom," Dan greeted his mother, bemused at her actions. "This is Mia," he said stepping back and pulling Mia forward. "My girlfriend."

"Oh my goodness!" his mother exclaimed, "I had no idea you were bringing a girl!"

"Seems like that's a theme today." Mia commented looking a Dan, "Did you tell _anyone_ I was coming?"

"I called Dad." He responded also a bit bewildered by his mother's lack of knowledge.

"Your father's been a bit forgetful lately…" his mother mused, "Caught up in some theory he's been working on nonstop. I doubt he'll be out of that room until dinner. Are you Jewish sweetie?" she asked unexpectedly, turning to Mia.

"Ummm…" Mia stuttered, glancing frantically at Dan. "Mom," he laughed, "Give her a second...let me introduce her before you start interrogating her about her religious beliefs."

"Mia," he said turning to her, "This is my mother Amita Eppes, Mom this is my girlfriend, Mia Johnson."

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Eppes, and no I'm not Jewish." Mia responded, smiling as she shook Amita's hand.

"That's okay." Amita replied still smiling, "We're not really either, just celebrate Hanukah with my husband's dad and brother. And please call me Amita."

"You arrived just in time actually," Amita continued still smiling, everyone's coming here for the big celebration, they're actually all staying here for the entire eight days."

"Full house?" Mia questioned uncertainly wondering how many people it would take for this house to feel full. "My brother-in-law, his wife and kids, plus my father-in-law, and all three of my children. My parents still live in India, so they normally don't come for the holidays." Amita replied. "I don't know how we ever did it in the other house."

Mia looked to Dan questioningly, "When I was seven our old house burned down. It was a lot smaller." He explained.

"It was very difficult for Charlie, my husband," Amita explained, "His mother died in that house, it was where he grew up, but with the money form the insurance and Charlie's breakthrough book we had more than enough to….but you really don't care about that do you?" She cut herself off.

"It's okay…" Mia began but Amita cut her off again, "I'm rambling, sooner or later it'll turn into math or astrophysics or something you don't want to hear about. Unfortunately, everyone in this house rambles a bit and unless you have a profound interest in math, physics, medicine, engineering, or music I'm afraid you'll be rather bored during your stay."

"Don't worry about her mom." Dan commented, "She's as weird as the rest of you, and I'll have Uncle Don and Aunt Robin keep her entertained."

"Oh good. They'll be good company. Only family members who didn't get the genius gene, besides Daniel of course." Amita commented, not seeing the shocked expression on Mia's face. Dan, however, saw it, and before Mia could say anything, quickly pulled her away telling his mother they were going to find his father.

"What did she mean by that?" Mia questioned the moment they were out of Amita's hearing.

"It's not as bad as it sounds..." Dan tried to explain, "Everyone in my family is some sort of prodigy…its kind of a family tradition, started by my father, the youngest mathematician ever to publish a theory."

"That doesn't mean…" Mia started, but was interrupted by Dan, talking faster trying to explain his mother's words. "Then my brother, Chris, graduated med school when he was 22, and is some renowned surgeon. Charlotte is, well Charlotte kinda tops everybody. She graduated high school when she was fourteen, just like dad, and has like seven college degrees or something, a couple in music and engineering, and like biology and chemistry. She was also a student at the Jeffery Ballet School. And my mother, well she has a couple degrees in math and astrophysics. Anyway the point is…I'm not any of those things and it's always kind of disappointed her."

Mia was silent for a moment, but before long was fiercely defending her boyfriend a moment later, "Maybe you didn't graduate early or anything, but you're crazy smart…smarter than me. Has you're mother ever read your writings? Does she know how good you are?"

"She thinks television is a waste of time, I doubt she'll think screenwriter is an acceptable career, especially compared to doctor, professor, and holder of multiple college degrees." Dan responded and before Mia could retort, kissed her softly, "Don't try and defend me anymore," he pleaded, "I've lived with it my whole life and its really not so bad."

Mia opened her mouth again, but Dan interrupted, "Can I just take you to meet my dad, please?" Mia squinted and seemed about to argue, but instead nodded and followed her boyfriend up the staircase.


	3. Chris & Charlie

"So what exactly are we doing?" Mia asked suddenly, "I mean…there's a Christmas tree in there," she said pointing to the glorious tree peeking through a pair of French doors, "but you're mom was talking about Hanukkah, even though she's clearly not Jewish and you've never seemed overly religious…hell I didn't even know you _were_ Jewish until I got here so…" her voice trailed off in confusion as Dan smirked.

"I guess we're a little hard to figure out huh?" he questioned still chuckling a bit, "Well, my dad, he's Jewish, not the religious kind, he wasn't really brought up with any sort of religion, 'cause of his genius math stuff. That was kinda more important than anything when he was growing up, or so I've been told. Anyway…."

"Anyway he grew up, got married, and had three children, one immensely more attractive than his brother," Mia looked up startled at the young man descending the staircase toward them, "I'm Chris," he said extending his hand to Mia, "_Dr_. Chris Eppes." He finished flashing his perfectly white teeth.

"Mia," she grinned back, shaking his hand, "My girlfriend." Dan cut in, smoothly stepping between his brother and Mia.

"Alright…alright. Backing off." Chris joked putting his hands up in surrender. "It's good ta see ya Danny boy." He grinned a second later, grabbing Dan's hand and clapping him on the back.

"Good to see you too bro." Dan responded, smiling the first true smile Mia had seen since they'd arrived. "How're things going around here…you've been here a couple days right?" he questioned.

"Yeah…you missed a few classic Charlotte freakouts. Speaking of, where is little Lottie today? I haven't seen her yet."

"In her room." Dan answered quickly, "We saw her a little while ago. She still seems pretty pissed off, especially when she met Mia."

"Yeah…well, can you blame her? But since you brought it up…did you tell anyone you were bringing a girl…'cause I sure as hell didn't know." Chris asked, still grinning ridiculously.

"Seems to be a recurring theme today." Mia muttered, and Chris let out an unrestrained laugh.

"I told Dad." Dan muttered, "Apparently, he didn't feel the need to share. Anyway back to the house drama."

"Right," Chris continued, back on track, "Well, Mom's been trying to get Char out of her room for more than meals, but so far it hasn't worked. She's still super pissed at you, and the girlfriend, no offense Mia, but seriously bro…what were you thinking?" Dan tried to answer but was cut off by his brother's continued rambling, "Not that you did anything wrong…I would've done it if you hadn't…that guy was a total douche, sorry Mia, I had no idea she'd take it this badly though, I mean it's been like a year…"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Mia interrupted; tired of trying to follow a conversation she knew nothing about.

"Just the drama from last year's holiday extravaganza." Chris answered and started to go on, but stopped at the confusion on Mia's face, "Didn't Dan mention it?" Mia shook her head slowly, looking to Dan for an explanation.

Dan sighed as he explained "Last year Charlotte brought her fiancée to meet us for this holiday stuff, and long story short, we had words and he left in a huff. Charlotte informed us the next morning that the wedding was off. Needless to say, she blames me." he finished.

"She's kind of a drama queen," Chris added helpfully. "In other news," He continued, swiftly changing the subject, "Kirsten's bringing the baby this year so brush up on your child-holding skills, or follow big brother's example and avoid 'em like the plague."

"I didn't even know she had the baby," Dan marveled.

"Damn, you really don't read mom's emails do you?" Before Dan could answer Chris continued, "The kid's about three months old, healthy baby boy, named Don, after her dad."

"Kirsten's a couple years older than me," Dan explained to Mia, "She's Uncle Don's oldest and got pregnant last year, not married. Did naming him after Uncle Don help to placate him?" Dan asked Chris.

"Totally, he and Aunt Robin are completely in love with Baby Don, and Mom can't wait to see him." Chris answered.

"Anything else?" Dan asked, Chris mused for a moment but shook his head, "Alright, I'm gonna go introduce Mia to dad , hopefully _he'll_ remember that I told him about her…"

"He's in his office." Chris pointed, "It's nice to meet you Mia." He called as the pair walked away, "Oh and remember, if you ever get tired of baby bro, I graduated med school when I was 22." Dan didn't turn around, but flipped his brother off as he and Mia made their way up the staircase.

"Your brother's…." Mia started but couldn't finish the thought.

"Interesting?" Dan finished for her, "He's actually the most normal person in this family, besides me of course; he's the only one that doesn't hold the genius thing over my head."

"If you hadn't told me about the med school thing, I probably wouldn't have even noticed." Mia admitted, laughing, "I like him." She continued, "He's sweet."

"Yeah, he's a real nice guy." Dan smiled, "C'mon, I'll show you your room, before we see Dad. I'd hate to interrupt his theory."

"Okay…shouldn't we get my stuff first?" Mia questioned playfully.

"I'm sure Richard already got it." He said flippantly, before realizing what he'd said and turning quickly, "That's not as bad as it sounds."

"You have a _butler_?" She questioned incredulously, "_Seriously_?" she laughed

"It's not as bad as it sounds," he insisted, "Really he's more like a…" he was at a loss to find the word for Richard.

"A butler." She laughed, "I knew you were loaded, babe, but if I'd know how much…. well you better get used to me, cause I'm never letting you go." She joked, kissing him full on the lips.

"Welcome home, Dan." A voice sounded behind them, and they quickly broke apart.

"Dad!" Dan exclaimed racing across the hall and engulfing his father in a bear hug. Mia hung back a moment and observed the man in front of her. Of all the Eppes family, Charles was the person she had been most excited to meet. Dan talked about his father more than anyone else, and it was clear the man was his hero. Now that he was standing in front of her she was amazed at the different between the real man and her imagined version. She had expected a big, booming man with robust cheeks and an aura of genius. Instead he was rather short and skinny with pale, almost sickly coloring. His dark curls were streaked with silver, and his appearance screamed of disorder, from his mismatching socks to his wrinkled shirt (incorrectly buttoned) to his distinctly uncombed curls. Even his voice was different from her imagination; it was small and rather hoarse as if he hadn't spoken in days instead of loud and commanding.

"And you must be Mia." He exclaimed, breaking her out of her stupor, "My dear, you are even more beautiful than I imagined." He quickly pulled her into a solid hug before releasing her. "Have you introduced her to your mother?" He questioned his son.

"Yep. She's met everybody." Dan responded still grinning, "God, it's good to see you Dad."

"You too Son." Charlie replied, but his eyes were unfocused, as if he had suddenly had a breakthrough, "Excuse me." he mumbled, before nearly running back into a room and closing the door behind him.

"Well that's dad." Dan uttered after a moment of silence. "Sorry, he's working on some convergence theory or something; he's usually not this bad."

"That's okay." Mia returned albeit disappointed, "C'mon show me to my room."

"And finish your holiday explanation." She added as they entered what would be her room. "Wow." She breathed upon entry. "This is…wow." the room was large; complete with a king sized bed, flat-screen TV, two stuffed armchairs, and a small settee.

"Pretty nice, right?" Dan questioned, grinning, "I told Richard to put you in the nicest available room."

"It's great." She grinned, kissing him softly. "Now finish the story." She demanded playfully as they broke apart.

"Where was I…. oh right, well Dad and Uncle Don weren't really brought up in the faith. Actually the celebrated Christmas instead of Hanukkah most years, my grandma's idea, she wasn't Jewish,"

"Your grandma," Mia interrupted, "She died a long time ago right?"

"Yeah, before I was born, I think Dad was in his early twenties. Anyway that's how things went for a while, no real religion except math and science if that counts. Then my Uncle had this accident, he's an FBI agent and was pretty active back then, well he ended up getting stabbed, and everything turned out okay, but he got really into learning more about Judaism and going to Temple, and my grandpa was thrilled and eventually got back into it himself."

"And your dad?" Mia asked.

"Dad's more of a skeptic. Mom too. She was brought up Hindi, but never really bought into it. They're both more into science than religion, but they like spending the holidays with Grandpa and Uncle Don, so they do this big Hanukkah thing every year. Then we all pitch in and do a big Christmas and New Year's celebration. Like Chris said, it's a holiday extravaganza. Probably nothing like your quiet Christmas at home, huh?"

"Nope." Mia stared straight into his eyes, "It's better." With that she touched his face, and pulled him in for a deep kiss. He smiled into her mouth and they fell together onto the bed mouths moving in sync, legs entwined.


End file.
